Rambelings of a Broken Heart

God's been challenging me so Much lately and if you've ever been challenged by God you knwo in your head it's a good thing but you almost never like it...same goes for me.

I've been going to this Bible study and the teacher Roger has talked about Shame so much and the differnce between Shame and Guilt. but first what causes shame....

wellll we all have hurts...little hurts that consume our hearts. our hurst are caused by a mean word or something done to us be it when we are young or older and it's like a grain of sand that's caught in a clams' mouth. The poor clam cannot spit it out or pull it out or get ride of it, therefor the clam puts up a thin layer of hardness around it over and over and over and over again over MANY years it becomes a pearl. we see a Pearl as something so precious but it's really a hurt masked over and over so many times... Jesus talks about our pearls

Matthew 7:6

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces."

God is saying take care of your hurts. if you are stil dealing with the shame that is wrapped up in your hurts becareful with whom your share them. He also says...

James 5:16

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

so God is not saying that we have to concore the world alone or that we have to heal alone just to be careful of whom we share our pearls.

The difference between Shame and Guilt:

Shame-->hatred of whom I am

Guilt--->hatred of what I have done

Please pray that I would be released from my shame....and I pray you shall too if you trust me and or wanna chat feel free to comment or message me I'm here for there is joy

John 8:36

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

And He is freeing us from that shame :) Love you guys

Thoughts at 4am :D

I've been thinking a ton lately about life,

How it passes so quickly,

How precious and fradgile it is...

and yet we all, Myself inculded, treat it so worthlessly

we worry about so much and ignore that which truly matters...

we worry about money or clothes or reputation or this or that when really it doesn't matter.

All that matter is God, God and His people and the love He has for them.

And by 'God's people' I dont mean some chosen breed of people who are called and holier then thou

I mean all beings, each and everyone who was MADE IN HIS IMAGE

Gen. 1:27 says

"So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them."

Have you ever really thought about that?

God chose to make us in HIS image, not that of a monkey or a whale or a tiger or a tree but in the IMAGE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!! that Blow my mind.

God has called us and asked us to love Him, to love and serve Him with all we are.

He has asked us to open up our hearts and be transformed by His love and His being, to be closer to Him.

To hold NOTHING back,

not our addictions,

our hate,

our loneliness, 

our inner words of self hatred,

not what we do when we are alone,

or the actions that result from lies from satan,

God asks-no He doesn't even ask, He demands us to give Him EVERYTHING

and I mean How can we not?!?!

I mean He gave His life,

He is not asking for us to do anything that He has not already done

think about it if you were hanging out wiht your BFF and suddenly a guy came up to you and pointed a gun to your head and your friend jumped infront of you,

without thinking or caring about their life

they gave it all right away,

well Jesus did this except He did one better,

He DID think about it,

All His life,

At any moment He could have said no I'm done and called a bazillion Angels to come down and give up their lives,

but He didn't,

He CHOSE to stick it out,

He CHOSE to give it all,

He CHOSE to give up a family on this earth for His Heavenly family

He CHOSE to give up the fast fading 'fun' for the eturnal fun

He CHOSE to litterally DIE, stop exhisting here on earth for YOU and ME!

this makes me rethink what really matters...

Clothes?

Cars?

Ipods?

Marriage?

Money?

Fame?

is it eturnal or is it earthly?

Does it really matter?

Matthew 16:15-16

"But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?"

Simon Peter answered, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."

 

wanna know what mattered most to Him? read about it, read about Him, His word was not made for someone elseat some other time but it was written for you, for NOW

My Ghost

you are haunting me...

following my every step, my every thought

not allowing my mind, my eyes, nothing to wander

when I move, you follow

you are like my shadow

connected to my very soul

that one moment

the one that I cannot escape

it plays over and over in my mind

like the rhythm of my steps

right, left, right left

each moment, over and over

and yet I embrace my captivity

that vision of spender

that moment wrapped up in the delicious darkness

when only the moon and stars watched over us

that moment when you held me

when I felt your heart beating through your chest

somehow it moved in time with mine

your sweet scent that rolls off your skin

it is still warm in my nose

the moment our lips finally touched

how your gruff still prickles my face

how I could not help myself

tracing the hard line of your jaw with gentle fingers

silently intertwining them in your dark hair at the nape of your neck

you pulled away slightly after too short of a moment

and let out a grin that is forever etched into my mind

and then you were gone...

our moment destroyed by reality

for the knock came on my door and my eyes opened

the very edges of the dream disappeared

like sand on the edge of the beach...

reluctantly I must get up and answer reality's call

but I will be back to see you soon my dear

back in our world,
where you and I can be together
and nothing else matters

Destiny

Destiny:

A chance meeting of two souls

Eyes connecting across the square

Hundreds of people walk by as we stand still

Two frozen figures connected from the very depth of our being

We go unnoticed by the world here

Somehow my feet have drawn me closer to you

Somehow we floated together without me telling my feet to move

Closer, each step, each moment

Like magnets drawn from opposite sides of the world

Wanting, no, needing to be together

Face to face, a few feet separate us

You smile a grin that makes me no longer stand but float away

There is no need for words

For there are none

Our souls whisper what our mouths cannot

A moments passes, a breathe and I am in your arms

Kissing you with a passion unknown to most

I am unsure who moved first but that does not matter

For this was no chance meeting

This was destiny, drawing our hearts together

No one notices our embrace, for this is Paris the city of Love...

Time passes as a dream

Because this love is not allowed

We are two separate beings from two separate worlds

Will this last, I do not know

but you are here and I am here

Wrapped up in this marvelous dream

But I do not care, I can dream with you forever...

Today something is wrong,

Your embrace, your touch, your eyes say it

Even as the rest of the world fades

Your worries, your heart cries out to me.

I beg you to share

You say things have changed

You say that you must go...and I must stay

The world calls us back, reality beckons

You say this was a beautiful dream

But just that -- a dream

Silent tears of disbelief trace the lines of horror in my face...

And you walk away...

Music, reason, color, love, life, all are meaningless...

They fade away...

No! this cannot be...I won't accept it

And so I stay

Walking these streets we once walked together...

Tracing the foot steps we once shared

A cursed shadow tied to the piano you played in this once beautiful cafe

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget

No one knows my heartache

No one sees my tears as I sit here in the corner of this once beautiful cafe

I sit waiting for you, watching the icing harden on my roll...

I do not care to eat, to breathe

Without you, life, breathe, everything is not needed

People brush past, I sit here unnoticed by the world

No one interrupts my unbroken gaze at nothing

Not even the cafe workers bother me anymore

Muffled voices attack my solitude

It is getting busy, I should leave

Yes it is later then I thought, that would be the best.

Will I ever be woken from this murderous slumber?

A sigh escapes my lips as I carry my untouched roll to the counter

Uttering empty thanks I walk away meeting no one's gaze

And just in time

A destroyer of my fragile solitude begins to coax a gentle melody out of the once beautiful piano

Tear burst forth from my eyes as the memories I had, now shatter upon this melody

No, NO! I must leave, I must run, I cannot hear this, not this...

This melody...deep hatred...this destroyer has no right

I must go, I must run, Now!

As I reach the door, I must look back

I must see the face of this destroyer, I must

Slowly I turn and look at that dark piano in the corner

No, this is an evil trick of my mind, my eyes

I want to look away, I have to look away, but I cannot

You do not see me, your eyes are shut

No emotion escapes except a single tear that traces a hard line down your cheek

I cannot move, even for those pushing past me

In utter despair, my legs leave me

My heart and mouth scream your name

And I am on the floor, weeping

The music has stopped, was it ever really there?

Were you ever really there?

No this is a cruel trick by my mind

A last ditch effort to grasp sanity

Yet now I feel your arms around me

If I will lose my sanity, this is the way to go

This smell, Your smell that rolls off your skin, intertwining with your hair

It intoxicates me

the warmth from your arms, O how I wish this were real!

I must stop this illusion before I go mad

I push it back forcing myself to reality

But this illusion is strong

Your face, your grasp, even my tears that have stained your shirt...

“This is not real.”

That Look which would have broken my heart if this was you..

“Not real? I am here, I love You, ONLY YOU!!!

This is Me holding you, this is me Loving you!'

I shake my head, trying to dissolve this beautiful illusion

“I will show you”

You grasp my face, looking into my eyes desperately and kiss me

This passion wakes me from my numbed slumber

You search my soul, whispering, “I love you, only you!”

And somehow, as your breathe tickles my lips, I know it is you

This is real, You are here and you do Love me

And this is all that matters,

You holding me, you loving me, this is all that matters!

<3

My Shield

My Shield:

 

I walk with you, Hand in Hand

I stay with you, in your Arms

You hold me tightly, So close

And yet so very far away...

For I have a shield, it protects me

I tell you my past, But I am protected

I let you come close, But I am protected

I share much with you but keep you at arms length

My shield is the only thing that keeps me safe, it keeps me whole

My mouth speaks many words, While I silence my heart

Have you seen my heart?

Can you feel my sorrow?

Have you seen my tears, the true tears of my heart?

Have you seen my true joy?

Have you heard my pure laugh?

No, no...for I am protected, hidden behind my shield..

So what shall you do?

Will you stay close but far away?

Or will you climb over my wall, to the true me?

Will you take away my shield and know me, accept me for who I am?

Will you fight to see me fully?

Will you fight to know me deeply?

Will you fight for me?

Whispers

Whispers:


Whispered prayers of my yearning heart
A stirring at my very center
A great need for Love
Unquestionable and untamable love
Love the depth of which no man can give
At my very inner being a starvation grows
Unquenched by food or water
It cannot be touched by anything of this world
A desperate need to be known
Truly known and accepted
This thing eating away at me spreads throughout
Threatening to devour me
To take my very soul...


Then you lift my head
Lord, you take me in your arms
Holding me close as peace sweeps over me
For you know me.


Your Love is unconditional
Your Love is the gentle caress of water to my dry and cracking throat,
Your Love is the purest breathe that fills the deepest part of my lungs,
Your Love is the blazing fire which finally warms my frozen soul,
Your Love my Lord is that which saves me
Your Love is the Key to unlocking my dark chains
Your Love, Lord, is the answer to all
It is all I need
You are all I need
You are my Love, my life,
For Your love is my reason to live!

My Dreams

I wrote this last night when i was woken from a dream and it's kinda also inspired by my mom becuase she has encouraged me to write again and so the ink is flowing and the paper stained, once again :) I'd love to know what u think!! <3

My Dreams.

At the slightest sound or smallest word, my dreams are chased away. They run to somewhere that i cannot follow. They hide in the stillness of night, encompassed by a starry peace that sheds its protective casing only in the deepest slumber.

My heart screams through my dreams. Calling our for understand, for recognition, for help and yet this is something that I cannot grant. For I am trapped in this cage of reason, of knowledge where my heart, my dreams, are not needed nor wanted. They are shoved aside huddled behind a smile and laugh that fool all. My worries, my fears, my sorrow, even my joys are hidden away in my heart, in my dreams.

So if you notice a tear rolling down my cheek or wonder why my gaze and my spirit wonder off out of the room, do not mind it. I am chasing after my dreams and reality will soon enough catch up with me.