The Eyes of Love

Sunday Morning God woke me up about 5am. I welcomed the early morning. You see He let me escape a pretty weird dream about aliens and people trying to kill me. still 5am is pretty early but I am blessed to have been able to wake in a warm safe home where as so many do not have that; or they did not wake at all.

 Anyway, I thought about going back to sleep but decided that it was not a good idea. I had this urging to pray. so I did then I got on facebook and began to pray for those on facebook. then I got distracted ha. But still I ran across this video someone posed of Oprah speaking to her audience with a pastor. She was talking about how no matter the circumstances, our gene, what has taken place that was out out of our control,or anything else; it is the way we choose to act and how we choose to live that matters and changes everything in the end no mater what hand we've been delt. Nick Vujicic was a very short guest and well I've been `stumbling` up on any of his videos at work. He said what he's said many times before that no matter what you've been through, no matter what's been done to you or what you've chosen to do, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. . .YOU ARE A TREASURE. . .YOU ARE WORTHY! 

I began to weep. its not that I haven't heard this before, I've heard it many time often when I know that people are trying to help and be encouraging but its been veeeeery hard for be to believe. So why did this one time click? What made this special? well unknown to anyone about 6 months ago I was given pills from a doctor here in Korea that would last two weeks.these pills would take away my apatite completely. they were meant to help me loose weight. I was determined to take them starting tomorrow for two weeks.  I had tries them once and they causes a ton of pain and I stopped taking them after one day.But I needed to take them. I am not beautiful and this is something I've struggled with countless times. I've hated myself to the point of literally pushing myself into starvation or causing myself to throw up. All for vanity. All in the hopes that I would be loved or love myself more. but this is a lie. if I were  size 8 or 38 neither would make me love myself anymore.they are just reason to not deal with the real issues of self hatred, the real issue of not accepting GOD`s words as truth. not accepting GOD`s love for me. Not knowing what love really is. I realized...

I don't know what love is.

Don't get me wrong I have been deeply loved by so many and I do love so many. I would give my life for a great number of people. . . .partly because I have accepted for such a long time that their lives are more valuable then my own but also because I do not want to live in a world without them in it. EVENTUALLY would we all be OK of course we would be able to move on but we cannot ever be the same once we've lost someone we deeply love. No what I mean is I don't understand God`s love I dont understand His heart or understanding his forgiveness His Amazing grace. I don't understand it and maybe that's partly because I don't see him so many times its hard for me to believe more then the wallpaper hears my prayers but deep inside I know He is REAL. I know He cares. I KNOW He loves me.

How? hasn't there been bad things that have happened in my life? Shouldn't I be angry? Hurt? something? Yes. I have experienced more then most and less then others. did I hate GOD for allow the abuse? Yes. Do I still struggle with anger with Him for it? Sometimes. Did I hate GOD for taking my mom from me ? Yes. I still struggle but she was never mine to have really. Shouldn't GOD hate me for things that I have done? yes but he doesn't. He loves me. Somehow I know he's forgiven the horrible things I've done to Him and to others. Somehow I feel his great eyes of love looking down own me with a beautiful smile on his face.
 

See I've realized it all goes back to what Nick was saying. . .it all comes down to my choice. am I going to be angry and hurt and hurtful toward the world for all the wrong that has been done to me? I could but what good would that serve? would I be any happier for it? no Id be more hurt. What about taking those `diet` pills. . .would I love myself anymore if I did? perhaps but unlikely. I might be happy for a little but ultimately hate myself again. I once hated myself so much I tried hurting my body and I've paid both health and emotionally for it. why would I jump back into a put of more hurt and anger with myself under lies of starving myself? So I got up and dumped all those pills down the toilet. because you know what,

THERE'S NO POINT!

its like for the first time in a while that I can truly say I feel like  I AM FREE!!
Nothing is holding me back. yes I still have issues but I choose this moment to see myself as Christ sees me and to hold my head high. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am treasured!

So are you! you are beautiful despite of any lie satan may whisper to you. You are worthy and made whole in this moment despite what you may have done or had done to you. YOU ARE A TREASURE! Now what will you choose? will you choose to hold your head and believe these words of Truth or will you believe satans lies? "Beauty is in the Eye of the behold" The only eyes I'm worried about being beautiful for are the eyes of my Creator. Who's do you worry about?

Its time to choose.

Here's the Link to the video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPW3EB5U0bo&sns=fb

Once Upon A Snowy Winter's Eve

Good Evening to you wonderful people!! How are you?? I'm sorry It's been so long *I feel like i', always opening with that haha but life gets crazy!*

Life has been crazy but God has been as wonderful as always. My contract was renewed and so I will still be teaching at Jungang Elementary this coming year. I am so very excited about it. I know that this has been a harder time then I had realized it would be but I am incredibly blessed. I have grown so very much. It's crazy to realize that I used to think that i would job hop for the rest of my life. God has so changed the way I think and how I look at life. I've realized that the true purpous my real job is minister  to be the hands and feet of Christ. ha I mean I knew that. But now I'm living it.

I've been volunteering tons and i love it. I've been volunteering at an animal shelter as well as at my church. i've been apart of a the college age ministering. I'm teaching two of them English on the side and another girl i've just met also. I've been able to use English as a ministry.  I just found out about a ministry where you can help teach English to North Korean defectors on the wedding. I'm VERY excited about that and I'm hoping to begin that again here soon. I am also ministering to the children at school. More and more i've been getting hugs and many of them are coming up to me and connecting with me. I'm so blessed :) Also i'm wriring more and more. i've finished my prolog and the the first chapter of my book.

Tonight I was able to share my testimony again. This makes the third time i've been able to share my testimony publicly. I shared it at my church and I love it. Tonight i was incredibly worried because this church that i've settled at and is my home church here, it is wonderful. it feels like home. I was worried because my life hasnt been the best as many of you know. It has been hard. It has been sad at times but God has held it. Each time I've shared it, the message is slightly different and I believe that that is because of who God has listening. Tonight the verse was Isaiah 41:9-10 *go read it ;) yep right now!! it's a great one!* God is always there He is always holding me. God is gracious and loving. it was so wonderful!! I had one of my friends come up to me and tell me that while i was speaking it was like a wave of blessing came and fell on him. It blessed me through that. I am so happy that I am able to be grant them with that and that each of them blessed me with their acceptance and joy.

I am doing well very i hope that you all are doing just as good. I love you and I am praying for you constantly! I would love your prayers for my students, my co workers, the people i interact with, my book, my church and my heart. 

The Same Yesterday, Today and Forever

   Today we did not have classes because it was our school's birthday.I was really excited about having a day off because well I could use the rest and time to write. I didn't actually sleep in but I was able to head down to my favorite cafe by Korea Nazarene University. I was able to write for a while and then i met with my good friend Taylor Ford for dinner. We had a good dinner and then began to talk. She had never hear my testimony before so our conversation drifted that way. I shared about all that God has done and who He has been in my life. I spoke about the hardships and troubles but I spoke about how God has provided and rescued and blessed me. 

   Recently I've been having a hard time. I have not been able to feel God,  to hear Him, but I know He's there. It's been hard because I've been dealing with the normal cultural issues here in Korea, the difference of belief about not only the normal religion and difference of how each person sees their others, especially foreigners. I've also been dealing with the issues of the self image here in Korea and how everyone is so incredibly thin and well...I'm not ha. But it's also the seasonal time of year when families come together and well enjoy being one. So I've been dealing with the loneliness and the culture and still feeling distant from God. 

    I've been trying to do my devos and worship and church regularly and trying to devote myself more and more but still i have been not feeling much of anything but I've been reading in Leviticus, Matthew and Psalms. I was reminded tonight about something David said time and time again. * I've been feeling more and more that David and I would have been great friends. * David was said to be the man after God's own heart and yet he was a man who failed time and time again. He was a man who committed adultery, murdered and questioned God. And yet he was a man who so passionately yearned to be close to God in spite of Himself. There were times when he was so close he could hear and feel God but other times when He could not feel God. He could not hear Him. David could only see the hardships around him. He would cry out to God and still perhaps have no answer. And yet in the end of almost every Psalm, David ends up Praising God. Countless times, David reminds himself of who God is and who God was. He would remind himself of who God was and then rejoice in what God would do. 

     Taylor reminded me that this was how a testimony worked. Yes it shared with others who you are and what you had gone through, but it also reminds the one who is sharing who God has been in their life. We will not always 'feel' God. we will not always 'hear' God, but God is there none the less. Times may get hard but I try to remember the teacher is quietest during the test.  And I was reminded of that Tonight, I may not understand what is going on or why i cannot feel or hear God like i use to but I know He is there! I know That God is passionately standing by us and protecting each of us. God has always taken care of us, why would he stop now? He wouldn't. He won't. 

    So maybe you are like me, maybe you are going through a hard time, remember who God is, remember who God has been. Do not give up! God is still the God who saved the Israelite from Egypt, He's still the only who heals and saves many, He's still the one who fed the 5000 He is still the one who died on the cross so He could spend eternity with you. Remember who God is and never give up hope.

Isaiah 41:10

Hey everyone

I know it's been crazy long since I've blogged and posted about how life is going. I'm so sorry! Life has been beyond crazy. Since I last talked to you amazing people, I've been teaching many classes, as well as fostering two adorable kittens who are getting adopted on friday and I love them and that's going to be so hard...but it's good :D Also i've been teaching my home Bible study *off and on the girls are now exceptionally busy and we haven't had it in a while :( * as well as leading worship and leading the adult Bible study at church. I was actually asked by my pastor to preach once a month. I am overwhelmingly blessed by these opportunities. I have been slightly pulled a bit thin though and I'm trying to regain some strength. I have up days and down days but I am richly blessed because God is always ALWAYS with me. I'm trying to read my bible through in 90 days time.i've never done this in such a short amount of time but I'm really excited about it. 

Today was a bit of a down day. I've been so extremely exhausted just from preparations for teaching two full weeks of 7 hrs of English and then teaching the last two days it's been crazy. I was just so drained today that I have been on the brink of tears for most of the day but God has gotten me through. I came home and extreme cleaned my bathroom and then cleaned up my living room pretty well as well as doing two loads of laundry. I was still obviously exhausted but I needed to do something I felt....And then i found a letter that came in my last box that said "save for a day when you need a smile" well I couldn't think of a better day that was described as such. i opened it up and saw a dinosaur card. Upon opening it tears just began to fall from my eyes it was a wonderfully scribbled letter from Mr. Ryon my 2 year old nephew and a beautiful letter form my sister Jenny. I needed these most today.I then began to cry out to God.*not sure why i didnt do this first but yeah:( *

I told God how i missed my family but I was thankful because I will see them soon-ish, and how I would miss my kittens but that I'm so thankful that they are getting a loving home and how I hate not being understood or not understanding and how i feel so alone and then God just told me even when there is everyone or no one around who understands that HE does and He is always there. I could not be more blessed with the LORD that we serve <3 I just pray that are you being richly blessed where you are. I hope and pray that no matter what life may look like that you take these few precious moments and thank GOD for what He has done and how He has blessed you <3 I love you all and i'm praying for you <3

 

Isaiah 41:10 says:
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Finally a Blazing Fire!

Hey All,

this is a rarity isn't it? Two post within less then 24 hours. haha but alas here I go :D

God is amazing isn't He? Even through all the crap and stuff that is going on around the world, the fires in Colorado, the flooding in Florida, the war over seas, the impending war with Korea, and yet through it all GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL!!! What a RADICAL God we serve!!! 

I wanted to expand on what God has been doing in my life! I wrote a little bit on it last night but I was half awake and I NEED to explain more haha! I'm sorry i feel so giddy I cannot explain it haha. Ok So I was struggling deeply through a ton of stuff, but it came down to the fact that I had not only begun to listen to satan's lies but I had taken them to heart, which is so much worse. I had taken more then a few steps away from God and ended up falling into a pit of depression and sadness and loneliness. i had been focusing on what i did not have rather then what God has blessed me with. It was very destructive. Then I had allowed myself to become sick, slowly sicker and sicker until on the 15th I was so sick with strep that I could not swallow or talk and could barely breathe. I took a day off and rested at home all weekend. There was some stress that happened at work because I did not use the proper steps on taking a day off and I was seriously consumed at that point with worry and fear and I was completely overwhelmed when i was asked to have a meeting with the director of the program here in Cheonan.

 I finally begun to share what had been holding me down with a friend here in korea and that is when things began to look up. i cried and was so overwhelmed by everything and she shared her heart and that God has placed me here for a reason and I had begun to feel better. I had gotten that day a package from my mom and family and friends back at home and when i had finished talking with my friend that evening I went to the my room and unwrapped a package of pure love!! I spent the rest of the night crying and just thanking God for my family and friends. I went to sleep that night and actually rested for the first time in a while. i woke the next morning with some worries but mostly peace.I went through the day praying off and on and then went to the meeting and spoke with my Director and she did not fire me which I was afraid of but she spoke with me about my worries and how things were going and she reassured me that she would help handle the situation and that there would be no issues but that i needed to follow the right steps next time, which i assured her I would and I will if i get sick again. ha

That was Wednesday the 20th and then we had a dinner all of us teachers in the program and we celebrated together the birthdays of everyone who had had one in the last 3-4 months *myself included* and then celebrated with those who were leaving for a new adventure within the next 3-4 months. It was really good! Then I was talking with my friend Amanda here and we decided that we would go to the beach on Saturday. So we went to the beach Saturday and that was the first time I had actually swam in the ocean and it was beautiful and relaxing and so good, just what I needed. Then Sunday I have been asked to do a Bible Study of the Adults and college age for the English Service for 8 weeks because our normal Bible study leader is in Canada visiting home. I was preparing for the Bible study and still honestly not on the firmest of grounds with God and had no clue what God had wanted me to share and then I was reminded of a youtube video that I had seen of Francis Chan where he had been talking about this person he was very close to who had died and how he did not know if he was going to heaven or not and how he just broke down by the bed weeping when he died. Francis was not alone in the room when this happened. He turned to this man's son i believe it was an he said with tears streaming down his face that he did not want to ever be uncertain of his fate, he begged this man to never leave it up to change, to live his life fully sold out. I was then reminded of the verse in Revelations that Jesus says it would better to be hot or cold rather then luke warm that He would just spew you out of his mouth. 

This for whatever reason FINALLY sunk in! This is who I was being!!! I was complacent! I was luke warm!! I was safe. My Friend Lauren told me, "It means nothing to follow Jesus until you understand what it will cost you." Finally I've realized this!! I was having such a hard time because God has put a spiritual at the very edge of this cliff. I could either jump and trust that not only will God catch me but that He will teach me how to fly OR i could turn around and return to what i've known and become even more and more cold. God was not going to allow me to be complacent, he was not going to allow me to lukewarm any longer. this was the moment of decision. And in that momment, Sunday morning I was cleaning my house and listening to worship online and then I was in the middle of picking up trash when all of a sudden i had that choice, I could stop and worship God full and choose to never go back to who i was or i could choose to continue to be who i was...and I stopped and worshiped!! It is one thing to think and talk about doing something but it is so much more to actually do it! i'm doing a 90 read through the Bible plan, I am devoting myself fully to God! I am not sure what this means but I am overwhelmed with peace and hope and love and joy sooo much joy in spite of the hardships and sadness that I've heard about all over the world God is still in control GOD IS STILL HOLY!! this is a song that is sooo the cry of my heart right now I would encourage you to listen to it and be consumed by who GOD really is :D I love you guys!! Sorry this is so long but this is what has been going down :D i'm so happy I could share it with you! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXElUPuIDTw

AND I CHALLENGE YOU!! BE different!! Choose to be someone more!! and then GO and DO it with GOD'S help!!!!!

The Things That were and now are and that will be...

Hey Everyone,
I realize it's been forever and for that I am very sorry. this last month has been up and down so much for me, mostly down...but I am doing better I am doing MUCH better!! over the last month I have experienced a ton of culture shock as well as sickness. Over the last month I have, for the most part, gone to work, come home, rested, gone to work, came home and slept only to repeat the cycle. I was able to go to the doctor but one thing here in Korea is though the doctor is very inexpensive about 2.50 per visit and about 3 for meds, they only give you enough meds for 3 days and then you are expected to come back. That does not work very well with my work scheduled but I've been working on it.

Also I have been doing Hapkido for the last four months but i had hurt my knee about two months ago and though my doctors had told me that I needed to take a break from Hapkido I just couldn't not with my belt test coming up so closely and though i had hurt it even worse, partially tore a tendon, i continued to be in Hapkido. However after hurting it and straining it more I decided that I needed to take a break. And so I took this last month off however I did physical therapy and have rested my knee. 

Also There was a good amount of stress at work. I went about the protocol of missing a day of work because I was very sick and that set things off a little. I have been able to talk to my director and heard coordinator for my program and thing have been smoothed out. I am adjusting to the culture though it is very difficult. It's been very lonely partially because I've been sick and so I've been isolated in my room but also because well I'm in a country where i am not being understood or understanding 90% of the time and that is very tiring.I am always striving to become more thought.

But I am doing better, MUCH better!! I am very glad to say, healthy. Also i am working on me and GOD and more on who I am. I am trying to get more and more rest. I think that that is a reason why I was getting sick so easily was that I was pushing myself too much. I also am eating very healthy, Also I am going to be running with a friend. we are going to be doing a program where we are conditioning ourselves. Also I am going to be reading through the Bible in 90 days. Also I am continuing to have my Bible study over on with my friends, Also Also haha I've been asked by my pastor to do the Bible study while our current leader is gone and I'm leading the worship on Worship team for the English service. Also I am going to be doing foster care for a kitten for a while until she can find a good home or until I leave Korea. I really think that that kitten will help with the loneliness. I will be getting her Saturday. My Friends are helping me get out but what is helping most is God

God has recaptured my heart!!! I can't really express it! God has renewed who i am in Him! I was listening to worship online and God consumed me He wrapped me in his Love and hope and peace and all that good stuff!! He has shown me this through a package from my family and friends and a blanket from my friend who made it and had people pray over it! I am inspired. I am inspired to be more, more who I am where I am at. I know that Korea has been a HUGE step for me and something that I'm not yet even still adapting t but I know that God is and will prepare a way one way or the other.I am and will be more! I just need to cling to God and honor Him through all that i do. I love you guys and I am praying for each of you!!!! God has also given me a peace about being single and alone. Though satan would try and take this little object an let it eat away all that I am God has given me peace and I know, more then anything, that because I have Christ, I will NEVER be alone!! There is no one better at love then the author of Love Himself. <3 we shall see what the future holds. Also please be praying. The program here in Cheonan may not be renewed, and if so I need to know where i should God and what i should do. I've been debating on going and teaching english in another country or if it be possible working in an orphanage. That is my ultimate goal. Or I may end up at home working off my loans .... any of these are a wonderful option and God would and will use me wherever I am :) I hope you are well and I love you guys so much!!! I'm praying for you all!!!

O love from the God of the Universte ... (part2)

I've been planted here on this earth, but more then that I'm planted here in south Korea. I am to be God's hands and feet and yes. I've known that for a while for a long time, but what the heck does that look like? Does that look like me getting up each day, walking 30 mins to work, working teaching kids, walking 30 mins home, going and doing Hapkido and then going to bed?! NO!! it is so much more then that!!!! There needs to be Passion!!!! there needs to be LIFE!! Christ says "I have come that you might have life, and have it to the full!" John 10:10 Life is not meant to be something that we just pass through where everything fades to gray!! GOD wants us to have LIFE and to have COLOR!!! But that does not usually come in Money or fame or gratification whatever that may look like in your life *be it food, or sex, or drinking, or drugs or whatever* God's color, the REAL color of life is injected through people that we encounter, it is inspired through seeing Christ in the eyes of a child! GOD IS EVERYWHERE!!

I was watching this video of this woman, Christine Caine, She is from Hillsong United and she spoke at this conference but her words have stuck with me she said

"Jesus Christ came to make us alive to set us free and then SENT us into a dark and dying world to bring freedom, and life, and hope, and mercy, and justice and truth to lost and broken people. WE DO NOT NEED TO FEAR WHAT HE HAS ALREADY DEFEATED!! We do not need to fear the darkness!! We just need to shine our lives into the darkness and dispel that darkness...Light works most effectively in the darkness. we do not need to fear the darkness we just need to take the light of Christ THAT IS IN US into a dark and dying world and dispel that darkness with the light and the hope of the Lord Jesus who for freedom has set us free!"

There are so many around us that are trapped in fear or worry or selfishness or just trapped in the blah. GOD as called us to be more!! There is so much that is going on in this world. So much that is threatening to destroy us. Did you know that there are over 27 Million slaves world wide? There are more slaves now then there have ever been in the entire history of the world. I would venture to say that you know many people who may not be slaves through chains but through fear, through depression, through sin, through death. These people need hope, These people need LIGHT!! They are trapped in the darkness, starving for the fullness of God's love, beaten, bleeding through the lies of satan. We encounter them each day. I ask you who In your life is a slavery? who in your life is not only hearing the lies of satan but accepting them fully as truth? There is so much more then that?! DO THEY KNOW THAT?

The Church is not meant to be a time of just singing songs in a building listen to someone and then go home...no church was meant to be a place where the Christians came together and fellow shipped together after being beaten after being torn apart for their lives, but now we are stuck. we were meant to be Warriors for God. Read Ephesians 6:10-18! Why would God give us armor if we did not need protection? we are meat to be fighters for our faith. There is a battle for our souls, for the souls of EVERY  SINGLE one around us and they are taking captives. They are brainwashing people and sucking all the joy and life out of their lives they struggle in vain to feel alive again by partying and doing this and that but in the end they are not fulfilled. it is a shallowness that is not lasting and leavings them feeling worse then before...We are meant to be helpers, we are meant to be fighters for everyone around us. What would happen is a person came up to you and said "I wish you Christians would die?" what would you say? What would happen if instead of just writing that person off we offered to buy that person lunch or asked them to go see a movie with you or play a game or hang out How would that radically change their life? How many of us are too busy with our own lives, our own agendas that we miss the chances to share God's love with those that may need it most? Have you ever thought that God interrupts people's plans to change the world? Esther was just a girl living her life, when she was called to save her people. she was taken out of her comfort zone and fought for the future of her people, Moses was just an Egyptian Prince but was put as a sheep herder for many many years before being called to save the lives of all of Israel. David was just a normal Shepard, minding his own business looking after his sheep when God called him and anointed him as the next king, Mary was a young teenage girl who was charged with the most precious child ever born. Paul was stricken blind before God called him to not kill his people but save them.

My dear friends, my family, we are called me be more and to do more then we are doing. This quote stirs in my heart.

"Compassion is never compassion till you go and cross the street and do something RIGHT NOW! Compassion is not Compassion until you are will to be interrupted." ~Christine Caine

My dear friends, my family...We are called to be something so much more. We do not know when our lives will collide with others and completely change who we are or even more transform who THEY are. Our calling our challenge is to go and make disciples among ALL nations. and some may say, well i can't go to Africa, or Russia, or The Middle East, or wherever but you must bloom where God has planted you! He has you there for a reason. But BE that compassion BE that love. Do NOT just pass by whom ever God is placing in your life. Whatever that may look like stop and pray. Ask God to show you who you are meant to minister to. But also make sure that your light is buring bright. If you are not in God's word, if you are not earnestly praying and seeking Him, start there. God can use anyone wherever they are but "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him!!" I love you all and I am praying for you! I ask you pray Eph. 10:18-19 over me and that God would give me His Passion, His Love, His eyes. untill Next time my dear family :)