The Eyes of Love

Sunday Morning God woke me up about 5am. I welcomed the early morning. You see He let me escape a pretty weird dream about aliens and people trying to kill me. still 5am is pretty early but I am blessed to have been able to wake in a warm safe home where as so many do not have that; or they did not wake at all.

 Anyway, I thought about going back to sleep but decided that it was not a good idea. I had this urging to pray. so I did then I got on facebook and began to pray for those on facebook. then I got distracted ha. But still I ran across this video someone posed of Oprah speaking to her audience with a pastor. She was talking about how no matter the circumstances, our gene, what has taken place that was out out of our control,or anything else; it is the way we choose to act and how we choose to live that matters and changes everything in the end no mater what hand we've been delt. Nick Vujicic was a very short guest and well I've been `stumbling` up on any of his videos at work. He said what he's said many times before that no matter what you've been through, no matter what's been done to you or what you've chosen to do, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. . .YOU ARE A TREASURE. . .YOU ARE WORTHY! 

I began to weep. its not that I haven't heard this before, I've heard it many time often when I know that people are trying to help and be encouraging but its been veeeeery hard for be to believe. So why did this one time click? What made this special? well unknown to anyone about 6 months ago I was given pills from a doctor here in Korea that would last two weeks.these pills would take away my apatite completely. they were meant to help me loose weight. I was determined to take them starting tomorrow for two weeks.  I had tries them once and they causes a ton of pain and I stopped taking them after one day.But I needed to take them. I am not beautiful and this is something I've struggled with countless times. I've hated myself to the point of literally pushing myself into starvation or causing myself to throw up. All for vanity. All in the hopes that I would be loved or love myself more. but this is a lie. if I were  size 8 or 38 neither would make me love myself anymore.they are just reason to not deal with the real issues of self hatred, the real issue of not accepting GOD`s words as truth. not accepting GOD`s love for me. Not knowing what love really is. I realized...

I don't know what love is.

Don't get me wrong I have been deeply loved by so many and I do love so many. I would give my life for a great number of people. . . .partly because I have accepted for such a long time that their lives are more valuable then my own but also because I do not want to live in a world without them in it. EVENTUALLY would we all be OK of course we would be able to move on but we cannot ever be the same once we've lost someone we deeply love. No what I mean is I don't understand God`s love I dont understand His heart or understanding his forgiveness His Amazing grace. I don't understand it and maybe that's partly because I don't see him so many times its hard for me to believe more then the wallpaper hears my prayers but deep inside I know He is REAL. I know He cares. I KNOW He loves me.

How? hasn't there been bad things that have happened in my life? Shouldn't I be angry? Hurt? something? Yes. I have experienced more then most and less then others. did I hate GOD for allow the abuse? Yes. Do I still struggle with anger with Him for it? Sometimes. Did I hate GOD for taking my mom from me ? Yes. I still struggle but she was never mine to have really. Shouldn't GOD hate me for things that I have done? yes but he doesn't. He loves me. Somehow I know he's forgiven the horrible things I've done to Him and to others. Somehow I feel his great eyes of love looking down own me with a beautiful smile on his face.
 

See I've realized it all goes back to what Nick was saying. . .it all comes down to my choice. am I going to be angry and hurt and hurtful toward the world for all the wrong that has been done to me? I could but what good would that serve? would I be any happier for it? no Id be more hurt. What about taking those `diet` pills. . .would I love myself anymore if I did? perhaps but unlikely. I might be happy for a little but ultimately hate myself again. I once hated myself so much I tried hurting my body and I've paid both health and emotionally for it. why would I jump back into a put of more hurt and anger with myself under lies of starving myself? So I got up and dumped all those pills down the toilet. because you know what,

THERE'S NO POINT!

its like for the first time in a while that I can truly say I feel like  I AM FREE!!
Nothing is holding me back. yes I still have issues but I choose this moment to see myself as Christ sees me and to hold my head high. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am treasured!

So are you! you are beautiful despite of any lie satan may whisper to you. You are worthy and made whole in this moment despite what you may have done or had done to you. YOU ARE A TREASURE! Now what will you choose? will you choose to hold your head and believe these words of Truth or will you believe satans lies? "Beauty is in the Eye of the behold" The only eyes I'm worried about being beautiful for are the eyes of my Creator. Who's do you worry about?

Its time to choose.

Here's the Link to the video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPW3EB5U0bo&sns=fb