....my heart cires out.....

How can I long for something that i've never had soo much?!? i've said it before i don't get love...i don't understand it... and i'd venture to guess that it doesn't understand me... I've always sworn to keep my heart open and to never put up walls but it got so hard to stay that way with my heart always out there... for others to play target partice with... i don't think that i've put up wall but I think that in all honesty I've lost my drive... my will.... my hope... my passion... I no longer search with eagerness .... or laugh with anticapation..... I no longer search and my laughs and happy moments seam fake.... what the heck happened... i used to be so wrapped up in love and in the entire concept of having that one... having that one person to travel with toward God to.... but now... now it seams as if it's gone.... I'd always kept the candle of hope alive and i'd always flittered from one person to the other sharing my fire and i theirs' but now..... my fire had gone out and I'm wandering in the darkness... searching for someone to help me out... someone to lit my fire agian... i'll admit it... I'm not on good standard with the Lord and maybe that's where I need to start... I know that's where I need to start..... ha... I'm listening to Secondhand Serenade... the song is called "Your Call" from their CD "Awake"... here are some of the words....

"And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home "

... i find it almost so funny I could laugh out loud... I've been soo awake lately and I've been having such a time trying to sleep.... and those words.... "I'm tired of being all alone.... this Solitary moment makes me want to come back home.." how true.... I've come to the point in life be it from my own doing or not I've forced myself into a state of solitary.... and it seams to be slowly killing me from the inside out.... ... OhMyGoodness... my iturns is emerse in Irony... this is where I"m at... Creed's "6 feet from the edge" here are some of the lyrics...

"Please come love I think I'm falling Holding on to all I think is safe It seems I've found the road to no where And i'm trying to escape I yelled back when I heard thunder But I'm down to one last breath And with it let me say Let me say...Hold me now I'm 6 feet from the edge And I'm thinkin Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down I'm lookin down Now that its over Reflecting on all of my mistakes I thought I found the road to somewhere Somewhere in His graceI cried out Heaven save me But I'm down to one last breath And with it let me say Let me say Let me say. Hold me now I'm 6 feet from the edge And I'm thinkin Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down I'm so far down Sad eyes follow me Well I still believe there's something there for me So please come stay with me Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me...you an me...you and me "

ok i want to reassure all of you who are reading this and are freaking out right now... Lol I'm not going to go psyco and kill my self or hurt myself or anything like that... that's not me, i'm not like that.... I think that my problem is that i've decied that I can do all this on my own and i've walked a little this way and that, not realizing that i'm wandering father and father from my Lord... I'm going to trust in Him for I know at the core of my being that i'm in HIS hands but it's hard to tell a longing heart that hee hee..... I was telling a good friend today that this is just how my heart feels... this is purely my heart crying out... unedited and uncut... new on Animal Planet lol sorry I couldn't help myself... lol...but this is just me pouring out my heart....allowing it to feel for if i jsut ignored all this ... If I were to jsut go on with life acting as if nothing were wrong, that would be a lie... it would be a lie to you, to everyone, and to myself... so I'm being real....something that we need soo much more of now a days... we need Christians who are willing to stand up and say Hey I'm a Christian and I'm screw up, I don't have it all together but I'm trusting God to work it all out... and I guess that that is what I'm doing... I'm standing and saying that ... I'm not perfect I don't have it all together but I do have an amazing Father who has me in HIS hands and so I wait.. and pray.... and read for it is only when we trust in God that we truly cna see what is going down.. and what is on HIS heart... that's what I want more than anything...to know what is on God's heart... and so i wait... sorry for rambeling soo much like I said I haven't been able to sleep like at all lately and so I'm just givning my heart time to speak... I think I've realize why i can't sleep now lol! crazy how God shouts to us in our pain and whispers to us in our pleasures..... I'm finally opening up my heart to hear.....

Yet another song has come on and it is what my heart cries Out most of all beyond all the deamonds wthat seam to whisper within my ears... THIS IS THE CRY OF MY HEART!!! i may not understand but haha I dont care!!

"God, my God, I cry out Your beloved needs You now God, be near, calm my fear And take my doubt Your kindness is what pulls me up Your love is all that draws me in I will lift my eyes to the Maker Of the mountains I can't climb I will lift my eyes to the Calmer Of the oceans raging wild I will lift my eyes to the Healer Of the hurt I hold inside I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You Cause You are and You were and You will be forever The Lover I need to save me Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God So hold me now I will lift my eyes to the Maker Of the mountains I can't climb I will lift my eyes to the Calmer Of the oceans raging wild I will lift my eyes to the Healer Of the hurt I hold inside I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You"

Bebo Norman "I will life My eyes!!!!"
God some how always knows what we need exactly when we need it ^0^I thought that I needed to edit my note... becuase i've come to a happy ending by this time within the note... and I don't think that i expressed it enough... lol I'm at that point where I am goig to be jsut waiting on God and I'm going to be truning my attention bak where it should be... on God...this is something that is going to be very difficult for me but I know it's where I should be and so I'm going to be turing my attention, the attentions of my heart and life on God! This note ends in a praise!

Ok I totally don't get it

Last night I was at this worship service that we call Recharge here on campus... it's student lead and all and basically amazing. Well, last night, and actually for a while now I've been dealing with some stuff not exactually sure what if that makes any sence... well I kinda know... I've really been sruggling with God, like jsut the idea of and knowing that He is in control and jsut understanding him and trying to grasp even the slightest concept of Him or His love and it's crazy and kinda actually REALLLY annoying becuase I can't grasp any of it and it sucks....because it's more than anything that I've ever wanted... I jsut want to understand to grasp all that He is any what is it is all about and Ugh ... idk i'm ready to give up... but I know that I won't because I'm stuborn...grrrrr

Ok so first off My name is Megan and I'm a college student and I am going to be going over to South Korea next fall for the fall semester and My international advisor told me I should make a blog for that... plus I jsut wanted one lol... so here it is and My first blog is comin your way....

Ok so last night I was really feeling very lonely and really quiet upset because well.... I'm not seeing anyone and by seeing someone I mean dating because obviously I can see lol... but I was really having issues with it because well I'm still single and I know six friends who are engaged and many more who are already married.... and I was and kind of am still feeling jipped.... and so last night I was working on some homework and stuff and I was talking with one of my best friends, Bre and we were talking about this and she was telling me that like I just needed to wait but yeah... and so I stayed up and she went to bed... I couldn't sleep and if you know me well, that's totally not me...I can sleep no matter where almost and so I stayed up and started to work on some make up homework but I continued to talk to God through out this....and I cried and yelled and ughed at God but he just allowed me to vent... and then when I was done ranting lol... God whispered silently to my heart.... I love you dear one, wait ... wait..... and I was like..... hmmm ok God... because I began to realize that God is obviously right... He knows what's best...I realized that either I'm not ready for him (most likely) or he's not ready for me or we both aren't ready for each other.... and so I realize that I need to wait and I'm totally ok with waiting... I’ve been waiting for twenty years and I'm ok with continually waiting.... I'm not going to give up on my Prince Charming and I pray that he will not give up on me..... I’ve really been dealing with this entire idea...that like I guess not settling and totally and completely being fine with being single....and like I’ve become kind of ok with that but at the same exact time I'm totally not... like there are guys here that if I went and asked we'd be dating but I don't just want to settle I want that "Prince Charming" like I know that guys are perfect and I'm not looking for perfect... I'm not looking anymore I guess I’m just waiting for the one that I'm meant to be with because I guess I’m one of the weird ones who thinks that there is one for everyone and that no one is meant to be alone In all honesty I have no idea what I want truly and so I wait for God to show me what It is that I meant to have and who I'm meant to be... because I think that I need to become someone and because grow deeper with the Lord or else there is no point because with out God there truly is no reason to be with anyone else... like aren't any relationships supposed to reflect the relationship of God and the church?....