My Ghost

you are haunting me...

following my every step, my every thought

not allowing my mind, my eyes, nothing to wander

when I move, you follow

you are like my shadow

connected to my very soul

that one moment

the one that I cannot escape

it plays over and over in my mind

like the rhythm of my steps

right, left, right left

each moment, over and over

and yet I embrace my captivity

that vision of spender

that moment wrapped up in the delicious darkness

when only the moon and stars watched over us

that moment when you held me

when I felt your heart beating through your chest

somehow it moved in time with mine

your sweet scent that rolls off your skin

it is still warm in my nose

the moment our lips finally touched

how your gruff still prickles my face

how I could not help myself

tracing the hard line of your jaw with gentle fingers

silently intertwining them in your dark hair at the nape of your neck

you pulled away slightly after too short of a moment

and let out a grin that is forever etched into my mind

and then you were gone...

our moment destroyed by reality

for the knock came on my door and my eyes opened

the very edges of the dream disappeared

like sand on the edge of the beach...

reluctantly I must get up and answer reality's call

but I will be back to see you soon my dear

back in our world,
where you and I can be together
and nothing else matters

Destiny

Destiny:

A chance meeting of two souls

Eyes connecting across the square

Hundreds of people walk by as we stand still

Two frozen figures connected from the very depth of our being

We go unnoticed by the world here

Somehow my feet have drawn me closer to you

Somehow we floated together without me telling my feet to move

Closer, each step, each moment

Like magnets drawn from opposite sides of the world

Wanting, no, needing to be together

Face to face, a few feet separate us

You smile a grin that makes me no longer stand but float away

There is no need for words

For there are none

Our souls whisper what our mouths cannot

A moments passes, a breathe and I am in your arms

Kissing you with a passion unknown to most

I am unsure who moved first but that does not matter

For this was no chance meeting

This was destiny, drawing our hearts together

No one notices our embrace, for this is Paris the city of Love...

Time passes as a dream

Because this love is not allowed

We are two separate beings from two separate worlds

Will this last, I do not know

but you are here and I am here

Wrapped up in this marvelous dream

But I do not care, I can dream with you forever...

Today something is wrong,

Your embrace, your touch, your eyes say it

Even as the rest of the world fades

Your worries, your heart cries out to me.

I beg you to share

You say things have changed

You say that you must go...and I must stay

The world calls us back, reality beckons

You say this was a beautiful dream

But just that -- a dream

Silent tears of disbelief trace the lines of horror in my face...

And you walk away...

Music, reason, color, love, life, all are meaningless...

They fade away...

No! this cannot be...I won't accept it

And so I stay

Walking these streets we once walked together...

Tracing the foot steps we once shared

A cursed shadow tied to the piano you played in this once beautiful cafe

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget

No one knows my heartache

No one sees my tears as I sit here in the corner of this once beautiful cafe

I sit waiting for you, watching the icing harden on my roll...

I do not care to eat, to breathe

Without you, life, breathe, everything is not needed

People brush past, I sit here unnoticed by the world

No one interrupts my unbroken gaze at nothing

Not even the cafe workers bother me anymore

Muffled voices attack my solitude

It is getting busy, I should leave

Yes it is later then I thought, that would be the best.

Will I ever be woken from this murderous slumber?

A sigh escapes my lips as I carry my untouched roll to the counter

Uttering empty thanks I walk away meeting no one's gaze

And just in time

A destroyer of my fragile solitude begins to coax a gentle melody out of the once beautiful piano

Tear burst forth from my eyes as the memories I had, now shatter upon this melody

No, NO! I must leave, I must run, I cannot hear this, not this...

This melody...deep hatred...this destroyer has no right

I must go, I must run, Now!

As I reach the door, I must look back

I must see the face of this destroyer, I must

Slowly I turn and look at that dark piano in the corner

No, this is an evil trick of my mind, my eyes

I want to look away, I have to look away, but I cannot

You do not see me, your eyes are shut

No emotion escapes except a single tear that traces a hard line down your cheek

I cannot move, even for those pushing past me

In utter despair, my legs leave me

My heart and mouth scream your name

And I am on the floor, weeping

The music has stopped, was it ever really there?

Were you ever really there?

No this is a cruel trick by my mind

A last ditch effort to grasp sanity

Yet now I feel your arms around me

If I will lose my sanity, this is the way to go

This smell, Your smell that rolls off your skin, intertwining with your hair

It intoxicates me

the warmth from your arms, O how I wish this were real!

I must stop this illusion before I go mad

I push it back forcing myself to reality

But this illusion is strong

Your face, your grasp, even my tears that have stained your shirt...

“This is not real.”

That Look which would have broken my heart if this was you..

“Not real? I am here, I love You, ONLY YOU!!!

This is Me holding you, this is me Loving you!'

I shake my head, trying to dissolve this beautiful illusion

“I will show you”

You grasp my face, looking into my eyes desperately and kiss me

This passion wakes me from my numbed slumber

You search my soul, whispering, “I love you, only you!”

And somehow, as your breathe tickles my lips, I know it is you

This is real, You are here and you do Love me

And this is all that matters,

You holding me, you loving me, this is all that matters!

<3

My Shield

My Shield:

 

I walk with you, Hand in Hand

I stay with you, in your Arms

You hold me tightly, So close

And yet so very far away...

For I have a shield, it protects me

I tell you my past, But I am protected

I let you come close, But I am protected

I share much with you but keep you at arms length

My shield is the only thing that keeps me safe, it keeps me whole

My mouth speaks many words, While I silence my heart

Have you seen my heart?

Can you feel my sorrow?

Have you seen my tears, the true tears of my heart?

Have you seen my true joy?

Have you heard my pure laugh?

No, no...for I am protected, hidden behind my shield..

So what shall you do?

Will you stay close but far away?

Or will you climb over my wall, to the true me?

Will you take away my shield and know me, accept me for who I am?

Will you fight to see me fully?

Will you fight to know me deeply?

Will you fight for me?

Whispers

Whispers:


Whispered prayers of my yearning heart
A stirring at my very center
A great need for Love
Unquestionable and untamable love
Love the depth of which no man can give
At my very inner being a starvation grows
Unquenched by food or water
It cannot be touched by anything of this world
A desperate need to be known
Truly known and accepted
This thing eating away at me spreads throughout
Threatening to devour me
To take my very soul...


Then you lift my head
Lord, you take me in your arms
Holding me close as peace sweeps over me
For you know me.


Your Love is unconditional
Your Love is the gentle caress of water to my dry and cracking throat,
Your Love is the purest breathe that fills the deepest part of my lungs,
Your Love is the blazing fire which finally warms my frozen soul,
Your Love my Lord is that which saves me
Your Love is the Key to unlocking my dark chains
Your Love, Lord, is the answer to all
It is all I need
You are all I need
You are my Love, my life,
For Your love is my reason to live!

My Dreams

I wrote this last night when i was woken from a dream and it's kinda also inspired by my mom becuase she has encouraged me to write again and so the ink is flowing and the paper stained, once again :) I'd love to know what u think!! <3

My Dreams.

At the slightest sound or smallest word, my dreams are chased away. They run to somewhere that i cannot follow. They hide in the stillness of night, encompassed by a starry peace that sheds its protective casing only in the deepest slumber.

My heart screams through my dreams. Calling our for understand, for recognition, for help and yet this is something that I cannot grant. For I am trapped in this cage of reason, of knowledge where my heart, my dreams, are not needed nor wanted. They are shoved aside huddled behind a smile and laugh that fool all. My worries, my fears, my sorrow, even my joys are hidden away in my heart, in my dreams.

So if you notice a tear rolling down my cheek or wonder why my gaze and my spirit wonder off out of the room, do not mind it. I am chasing after my dreams and reality will soon enough catch up with me.

EuNC

Ok so I left Denver at 5:35 ish and headed straight for frankfurt Germany. i had a 10 hr flight. the food wasn't bad at all :D and I watched Fame and Harry Potter and the 1/2 blood prince so it was overall really good. I sat next to this older french lady who spoke nothing but french it was fun because i've taken 3 years in high school and 2 semesters at MNU. it was awesome because i was able to help her with some stuff and one of the things was with the movie it was just awesome!
i got off at 11:25 am in Frankfurt and I went to pick up my luggage and since no one in a uniform was around i asked this young couple to help me with going through the airport to get to the train station. the lady told me that I was going to have to get a train ticket to get to the main station and I was ok ... so i went to the train platform down these stairs(yay escalator) and at that point asked an older couple if i was in the right area and they said no that I had to go back up the stairs and go to the long distance trains...
so i had to lug my 49.5 lb duffle up the stairs(the escalator only went down...) and my two other bag one easily like 15 the other between 10-15lbs back up the like tons of stairs only to find out that i was at the right place but I have to buy a ticket...sooo i got some help getting a ticket and then headed back down the stairs... once getting there and being completely out of breathe, I went up to this college age looking girl and asked if she knew when the train was to arrive and she, Katrina, proceeded to explain my short distance train ticket and my long distance train ticket to me and she also, once on the short distance train, sat next to me, talked to me and then when It was time to get off she got off with me and walked me to my next platform telling me what time i was supposed to be there and everything!!
so I had about an hour to kill and waited around. O Random thing, there are pigeons EVERY where in the train systems!! it was awesome I saw one and was waiting so fed one a piece of a cracker then there were 10 so I fed them the rest of the cracker and then there were 50!! it was insane!! so i stopped feeding them XD i did get like a VERY small cup of Coca because it was freezing and it was like 2 Euros which is like $3.50 so crazy expensive... but it was nice to have something warm
I got on my train and the lady who check train tickets came by and checked mine and I sat by myself and listened to my music and the stops. It was mostly empty which was nice. I then got off in Stuttgart and ran to catch my train down one flight of stairs under the trains over up more stairs to my platform and was able to get onto my train. it was fairly empty at the time but got busy quick and with my luggage with me i didn't have too much room but I was sort of able to sleep for a bit. I finally got into Singen at about 7:30pm!
I was told to look for someone who was in an EuNC sweater or had a sign with my name or something, but i saw no one on the platform, my heart sunk and my mind began to race but I lugged all my baggage down the stares and still saw no one under the trains... desperate i went up to this lady and told her I was waiting for someone from my school and asked her where she thought that they would wait. she directed me to the main floor and entrance of the train station and I started heading that way, thinking that if there wasn't someone there who was from EuNC that I had no idea how to call them or anything. and i was seriously considering sitting in a ball in the corner crying...
so I headed to the main are, consequently up more stair, but as i was heading toward the stairs a very tall girl in a black coat came down the stairs and once she saw me she smiled and so did i (and honestly at this point i think i would have gone with her even if she was not from the school haha JK JK mom :D I wouldn't've) but after smiling and most likely seeing the desperation in my eyes she asked if i was Megan and I seriously had tears in my eyes!! I was soo thankful!!! (Yay Lizz) she told me her name was Lizz and she helped me carry my duffel up the stairs(YAY!!!!) and we walked out to the car where Jon another student was waiting. she told me that her and Jon needed to go to the store and she informed me that lunch was provided but everything else was fend for yourself. So Jon lugged my bag into the van and we were off!
we went to Aldies!!(Yes they have them in Germany) got some food and headed to the school it didn't take too long and it was fun! it's always better to travel with others and since this was just about the first time I had been able to talk in English in like 2 days, i must admit it cam spewing out I kinda feel back for them :S but they didn't seem to mind...I got in that night and got unpacked meeting everyone in the school remembering just about no one's name, and staying up till about 2 am because I was on a high for being there and because I wasn't tired :D

the Next morning I found out how real jet lag is! I had set my alarm for 8:30 so I could shower and all before chapel... yeah I didn't get up till 9:45ish haha and even then I was completely exhausted but Lizz made sure I was up(ty dear!) and showed me where Coffee break was and I had my first REAL cup of coffee(I can never go back) and some peach thing, which was amazing! then went to my first class where there was a grand total of 6 people including me and the prof (it's Spiritual Formation) and then Lunch(which was amazing) and then My other class (Church History 2) i came back to take a nap after that class kinda just laid there for about an hour then deiced to get up and study studied for a bit, made myself dinner, talked with My mom, and hung out for a bit. Jet lag was still brutal and by 1:30 am i was still up but yeah I think i was out before 2.
today was a bit better to be in a routine but still jet lag was a beast but i didn't nap so I will God willing be able to sleep tonight :D so yeah Classes are amazing people here are sooo VERY amazing and I love it!
ANY QUESTIONS? FEEL FREE TO ASK :"D