....my heart cires out.....

How can I long for something that i've never had soo much?!? i've said it before i don't get love...i don't understand it... and i'd venture to guess that it doesn't understand me... I've always sworn to keep my heart open and to never put up walls but it got so hard to stay that way with my heart always out there... for others to play target partice with... i don't think that i've put up wall but I think that in all honesty I've lost my drive... my will.... my hope... my passion... I no longer search with eagerness .... or laugh with anticapation..... I no longer search and my laughs and happy moments seam fake.... what the heck happened... i used to be so wrapped up in love and in the entire concept of having that one... having that one person to travel with toward God to.... but now... now it seams as if it's gone.... I'd always kept the candle of hope alive and i'd always flittered from one person to the other sharing my fire and i theirs' but now..... my fire had gone out and I'm wandering in the darkness... searching for someone to help me out... someone to lit my fire agian... i'll admit it... I'm not on good standard with the Lord and maybe that's where I need to start... I know that's where I need to start..... ha... I'm listening to Secondhand Serenade... the song is called "Your Call" from their CD "Awake"... here are some of the words....

"And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home "

... i find it almost so funny I could laugh out loud... I've been soo awake lately and I've been having such a time trying to sleep.... and those words.... "I'm tired of being all alone.... this Solitary moment makes me want to come back home.." how true.... I've come to the point in life be it from my own doing or not I've forced myself into a state of solitary.... and it seams to be slowly killing me from the inside out.... ... OhMyGoodness... my iturns is emerse in Irony... this is where I"m at... Creed's "6 feet from the edge" here are some of the lyrics...

"Please come love I think I'm falling Holding on to all I think is safe It seems I've found the road to no where And i'm trying to escape I yelled back when I heard thunder But I'm down to one last breath And with it let me say Let me say...Hold me now I'm 6 feet from the edge And I'm thinkin Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down I'm lookin down Now that its over Reflecting on all of my mistakes I thought I found the road to somewhere Somewhere in His graceI cried out Heaven save me But I'm down to one last breath And with it let me say Let me say Let me say. Hold me now I'm 6 feet from the edge And I'm thinkin Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down I'm so far down Sad eyes follow me Well I still believe there's something there for me So please come stay with me Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me...you an me...you and me "

ok i want to reassure all of you who are reading this and are freaking out right now... Lol I'm not going to go psyco and kill my self or hurt myself or anything like that... that's not me, i'm not like that.... I think that my problem is that i've decied that I can do all this on my own and i've walked a little this way and that, not realizing that i'm wandering father and father from my Lord... I'm going to trust in Him for I know at the core of my being that i'm in HIS hands but it's hard to tell a longing heart that hee hee..... I was telling a good friend today that this is just how my heart feels... this is purely my heart crying out... unedited and uncut... new on Animal Planet lol sorry I couldn't help myself... lol...but this is just me pouring out my heart....allowing it to feel for if i jsut ignored all this ... If I were to jsut go on with life acting as if nothing were wrong, that would be a lie... it would be a lie to you, to everyone, and to myself... so I'm being real....something that we need soo much more of now a days... we need Christians who are willing to stand up and say Hey I'm a Christian and I'm screw up, I don't have it all together but I'm trusting God to work it all out... and I guess that that is what I'm doing... I'm standing and saying that ... I'm not perfect I don't have it all together but I do have an amazing Father who has me in HIS hands and so I wait.. and pray.... and read for it is only when we trust in God that we truly cna see what is going down.. and what is on HIS heart... that's what I want more than anything...to know what is on God's heart... and so i wait... sorry for rambeling soo much like I said I haven't been able to sleep like at all lately and so I'm just givning my heart time to speak... I think I've realize why i can't sleep now lol! crazy how God shouts to us in our pain and whispers to us in our pleasures..... I'm finally opening up my heart to hear.....

Yet another song has come on and it is what my heart cries Out most of all beyond all the deamonds wthat seam to whisper within my ears... THIS IS THE CRY OF MY HEART!!! i may not understand but haha I dont care!!

"God, my God, I cry out Your beloved needs You now God, be near, calm my fear And take my doubt Your kindness is what pulls me up Your love is all that draws me in I will lift my eyes to the Maker Of the mountains I can't climb I will lift my eyes to the Calmer Of the oceans raging wild I will lift my eyes to the Healer Of the hurt I hold inside I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You Cause You are and You were and You will be forever The Lover I need to save me Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God So hold me now I will lift my eyes to the Maker Of the mountains I can't climb I will lift my eyes to the Calmer Of the oceans raging wild I will lift my eyes to the Healer Of the hurt I hold inside I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You"

Bebo Norman "I will life My eyes!!!!"
God some how always knows what we need exactly when we need it ^0^I thought that I needed to edit my note... becuase i've come to a happy ending by this time within the note... and I don't think that i expressed it enough... lol I'm at that point where I am goig to be jsut waiting on God and I'm going to be truning my attention bak where it should be... on God...this is something that is going to be very difficult for me but I know it's where I should be and so I'm going to be turing my attention, the attentions of my heart and life on God! This note ends in a praise!